Parking Lot Attendant

Okay. I just have to share this with the world. I just spent the past hour and a half completing the University of Georgia Human Resources Department's online "general job application." Why am I doing this? Only because I have to leave an official paper trail proving that I am in fact looking for work, so as to continue receiving unemployment benefits. Anyway, after that arduous application process, I tried applying to various jobs on campus so as to give the fine folks at the Department of Labor a good feeling about all the checks they've been cutting me.

Thing is, every position I applied for required (1) a resume and (2) a cover letter in addition to the application! Bear in mind that I'm not applying for teaching jobs or anything, just shite jobs like "groundskeeper" and "parking lot monitor." What the hell happened to the world while I was in grad school? Since when did a job weed-eating and leaf-blowing require a cover letter and curriculum vitae?! I went ahead and banged a couple out, and made them as grandiose as possible. (Remember: I don't actually want to work any of these jobs.) Below you'll find the first paragraph of my cover letter for "Parking Deck Attendant." Submitted for your approval:

It is my belief that an individual’s parking pursuits are inextricably bound to the pursuits of his or her community and nation. An effective parking monitor, then, is one that is socially-engaged and cognizant of the contexts in which modern people live their lives. Such parking monitors serve not only individual parking lots and decks, but entire communities and even a grander, collective well-being. As safe, affordable parking opportunities are made more increasingly available, our community is improved. Having explored and reviewed the many services offered by UGA Parking Services, it seems that we have good reason to meet. It is my hope that, upon review of my resume and credentials, you will agree that we have reason to meet and discuss my candidacy for employment at your esteemed organization...