16 December 2011
15 December 2011
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07 December 2011
2.Arrange a place to rendezvous: Set times and places to meet where you know you will get some privacy. Arrange your rendezvous like an MI5 agent: plan cover stories, arrive from different directions and think about escape routes. An empty stairwell, where you can hear people coming, is preferable to a stationary cupboard, where you can be easily caught unawares.
3. If meeting after hours pick a place far from your work location, you will be easily spotted in the pub on the corner. Remember to travel there separately, nothing will arouse suspicion more than the 2 of you leaving together.
4. Don't leave any evidence: this can be anything from an undeleted email, to lipstick marks, to misplaced underwear. Cover your tracks at all times. If you have had a quick fumble in the photocopy room, make sure everything is in place before you return to your desk (and that you haven't made any copies.) Avoid sending emails through the company system as it will only be a matter of time before one gets accidentally sent to Matt in accounts. And never commit the ultimate sin - turning up to work in the same clothes two days in a row. This is a sure fire sign that you didn't make it home the night before, and will start rumors before you can say 'scandalous'
5. Head off the gossip: at some point, someone will start to get suspicious. Quell any gossip surrounding you and your amour by ruthlessly starting more salacious rumors.
6. If you decide to have an extended lunch break, always ask permission from your boss first and only if your boss says it's OK. If anyone asks why you are having an extended lunch break, say everything else, e.g. I have a lot of flex-it-ime and I need to use it and I'm going to have a little longer mooching in town and shopping. If you are asked did you see X? be honest but brief with an answer such as Yes I did, but don't tell them every little detail what you and X did, talked about etc. All in all keep extended lunch breaks to every now and then - If done frequently it can cause your boss, other people and the gossips to cotton on.
7. Do not show public displays of affection. It is best to leave kisses and hugs when the two of you are on your own, there is no-one else approaching, hearing and when the two of you are outside work and outside work hours (e.g. both of you are at home, on leave, on flexi day). Don't give the nosy parkers and/or the gossips any ammunition. Plus you never know who could spread the news to your colleagues and/or your boss when you are not about do you?
8. Remember - professionalism and discretion in the workplace is key. Make VERY sure that the coast is clear, that is meaning your colleagues, boss and especially the gossips are NOT around, whether it's in the work premises or outside the work premises. (Danger - You never know who is watching or the risk of your boss/colleages/gossips seeing you two and you never know who might tell on you when you are not around do you?)
-from wikihow.com, "How To Have A Secret Office Romance," 12/11
01 December 2011
2. Change your facial expression occasionally. It will look like you are actually "hearing" something.
3. Try to add in some actions and movements, so it seems that you're really talking and trying to explain/express something to the "opposite side."
4. Don't forget to pause. This is important. You would stop talking and listen when your friend is really talking to you on the phone, wouldn't you? Try to fill your pauses by making up your friends response in your head. This will ensure that your pauses are long enough to be believable.
5.Try to remember an earlier conversation you had with a friend. Then, reenact it. Imagine your friend saying what he/she said earlier, and come up with a response.
6. You might want to turn on your ringtone and/or record a pre-made conversation earlier. You can also listen to some of your voicemails and react to them as if they are a real life conversation.
* When you are pretending to talk to your friend, pretend to talk about something you actually do or are familiar with.
* If you are having this "phone conversation" in front of someone, don't keep glancing at them.
* Relax. You probably aren't tense when really chatting with a friend, so why should you be tense now?
* If you can fluently speak a foreign language, that's even better. Make sure you still talk about normal things, on the off-chance someone around you speaks the language.
* Give some hand movements as if you trying to explain something. Don't look at anyone to see if they looking at you or not.
* Pretending to be interrupted can be a great asset to your phone-pretending antics. Saying "Yeah, I know but you- I know just listen for a second we-" will help convince people that you're actually talking to someone.
* Don't dial an actual number or have the "conversation" when the number you dialed goes (as expected) to someone else's voice mail. The person who hears this one way conversation in their voice mail could very well come out and expose the ruse you created landing you in, possibly, more trouble then if you were caught faking in the middle of you one way conversation.
-from Wikihow.com, "How To Pretend You Are Talking On The Phone," 11.27.11
27 November 2011
Do you enjoy football, but after years of watching you still don’t understand it? Do you get embarrassed, or perhaps teased, for not knowing the rules despite years of viewing games? Here is a simple way to pretend you understand football, without having to learn the rules of the game. With a few tricks and some simple football knowledge, you’ll fit right in with the fans around you and be on your way to some great games, even if you are just pretending!
1. Choose a football team to follow. It is best to start out this process with one team. By narrowing it down to one, you can learn specific details about that team to make you seem more knowledgeable of football. After you learn the techniques, they can be used to increase your credibility among the fans of other teams in the future.
2. Learn the names and numbers of some of the star players on the team. More than likely, at least one of these specific players will have contributed to any given game. Knowing these names gives you a way to participate in conversations, without actually having to know the plays that were made. Talking about the players, though in a vague way, will make it seem as if you saw the plays they made.
3. Learn a few key football phrases. These can really come in handy during conversation, or during a game. Learn words like “touchdown”, “first down”, “field goal”, “pass interference”, etc. You don’t need to understand these terms, just know the words. If you hear these things said by the announcer during a game, remember them.
4. Keep conversations vague. You can use the names and key phrases you’ve learned, without having to understand the plays that occurred during a game. Using phrases like, “Wasn’t that interception awesome?”, or “Wow, what a game for Thompson”, you give the impression that you understand, when in fact, you only know small details like names.
5. Ask questions using the things you’ve learned. A good way to avoid any possible slip ups is by doing the asking yourself. Use questions like “What did you think of that play?” or “How did you think the game was going to turn out?”. Asking questions gives you the control, and helps you avoid talking about things you don’t understand.
6. Remember one big play that happened in a game. Remember the details of this one play, and it can take you a long way. This is always a good conversation turner. If things start to go down a path you don’t understand, you’re asked a hard question, or maybe you’re at a loss for something to talk about, just revert back to that one play. If it was a good play, chances are other fans will want to talk about it.
7. Feed off the other fans, mimicking their reactions. Though you may not know what is going on down on the field, the people around you probably do. One of the easiest ways to pretend you understand is to do what the people around you do. If those around you cheer a play, cheer with them. If they yell angrily, do the same. The key to this step is to cheer and yell even louder than the other fans. Make your motions really exaggerated and animated, giving the impression that what just happened has greatly affected you. This makes people believe you are paying attention and know exactly what is going on.
* Make sure and fit the part. Get the sports attire to fit in with all of the fans around you. Make it look like you are committed to supporting your team, even if you don’t understand what they are doing. =)
* If a topic comes up that you don’t know anything about, just smile and change the subject back to something you can handle.
* Remember to have fun! Football shouldn’t be all about understanding the rules. This is just a way to fit in and make the experience even more enjoyable.
- from Wikihow.com, "How To Pretend You Understand Football," 11/27/11
22 November 2011
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28 October 2011
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24 October 2011
Last weekend, I pulled into a Kum & Go in Clear Lake, Iowa (death-place of Buddy Holly & Ritchie Valens, etc.) and found an old prune-colored man praying the Islamic asr right out front. The rednecks and the truckers just couldn't figure him. At one point, two teenagers in coveralls pulled up beside him in their massive extended-cab pickup, yelled something I couldn't make out, then sped away, exhaust clouding around him. He was maybe seventy-five years old.
15 October 2011
I reach out to console him and he shrinks back. As he does, his box slips out of his hands and onto the floor of the Torpedo, which I don’t even notice at first. But then a thousand things stolen spill out of it and it’s all indescribable.
And what’s indescribable is: No suffering, no eternal sorrow, and no world afire or lonely apartment, either. It’s Coney Island lit up and the screaming kids of the Cyclone; neon lights; tough old birds and wiseguy kids; It’s sir and ma’am and the best of luck and the baby's all right, too. Under every boardwalk a hundred pairs of lovers and a bright face in every seat on the Wonder Wheel. Throw a ring! guess your weight! Hero prize fighters in Adonis poses; comebacks eternal; nuns and gangsters and blue-assed Venus with honeybees and don’t you know that all the freaky freaks are gods here and a little lizard Jesus and two-headed Mary are smiling down on us all from jazz heaven?
And it is so because I say so. And who am I? I'm Cap'n Ellie. And who's Cap'n Ellie? He's your friend.
So I pick the kid up, straighten out his jacket, and help him get his box back together. And as he rounds the corner of Stillwell, we can both make out the rise of sirens, though still distant, and the hum of helicopters on the horizon.
“The jig will soon be up,” I say to nobody in particular. And as the leaves fall I ease into my coat and start back home, burning.
14 October 2011
I break no stride lunging out across the counter for him. But as he lurches back, he stumbles over the roots of the tree. I snag his jacket with my southie and start reeling him in like a fish. He’s thrashing like one, too, trying like hell to get away, shrieking all the while-
”Let me go! Let me go! Let me go!”
“Like hell, kid. I got you. It’s over.”
He's arching his back and kicking at me with both feet while I lift him up over the counter and into the Torpedo.
Ernie runs up. “Ay, yo, Ellie. Is this the kid that ripped you off?”
“Yeah, Ernie. This is him.”
And that's when the kid's foot connects with my gut and doubles me over, but not before I reach out and introduce him to Mr. Palm & his five brothers, right across the face. He slumps over like a rag doll. Then come the waterworks.
13 October 2011
Danny, over at the El Dorado, just keeps on hawking, right through it all. He's packing them in, too. He’s got a line around the block that includes two of the nuns from Sisters of Mercy and a rabbi that lives next door to me. And the Wonder Wheel is full now. And the Cyclone is screaming around in circles endless and slammed.
Next, the cops will come, and the scientists. The g-men are probably on their way, too. After that, the tree and this whole boardwalk - maybe the whole Island – will be evacuated. Machine guns, marshal law, check points – the whole bit. But for now it’s one of the busiest days I’ve ever seen and everything's fair on the edge of reality.
12 October 2011
The next morning I hoof to work and find a tree growing right out from the center of the Torpedo, up through a gaping hole in the roof, and on up beyond that! Bees spiral around, coupled together in the act of primordial bee love. The whole thing is vaguely familiar somehow, though I won't remember that it's literally a dream come true for another day or so.
As you probably already know, it takes only hours for the tree to become the hottest thing on Coney Island since Topsy The Elephant. Soon, the boardwalk is swarming. A bunch of Hassidim come over from Gravesend and start hooking arms and circling around it. Flame and Liz show up. Then Eddie, the Human Anvil, and a bunch of others from the midway. A cadre of Jesuit padres and a gaggle of nuns show up to chant Hail Mary's. And tons of cameras, too, snapping shots of me, the tree, and the whole damn show.
“Hey, Cap'n. Can I take a picture of you and the tree?”
“Sure thing. You gonna buy something first?”
11 October 2011
“What’ll you have this afternoon, darling?”
"Do you sell water?"
I hand her a bottle from the ice chest and she starts to reach into her purse. As she does, I notice a family of gulls pecking at a hamburger mashed flat into the grain of the boardwalk.
"Keep it. This one's gratis from Cap'n Ellie."
All smiles, she thanks me, then turns to leave. As she goes, providence allows me to catch a glimpse of what I can only describe as the Ave Maria of asses - full of grace and mystic symmetry. The type to engorge the coldest of hearts with joy and hope. Good feelings, those.
Just like that, the world offers a million strangenesses. And soon, the Wonder Wheel will light up. And I'll lock down the Torpedo and start hoofing it home.
10 October 2011
I figure at best I've got another twenty years left in me. (Maybe ten left in the Torpedo.) And just how many years are left in the boardwalk as we know it is anybody's best guess. Jellybeans in a jar. Grains of sand in an hourglass. This whole place could evaporate tomorrow and some people wouldn't mind it if it did.
Time passes and pisses on us all. And aren't we all giving up the ghost by degrees?
09 October 2011
This is Flambeaux "Flame" Phyre, the flaming sword swallower, and Liz Lizard with the split tongue and tattooed gums. Two old timers, carnie types, riding the Freak Train. Flame & Liz are working on a new act where Liz throws flaming daggers into Flame's mouth and he swallows and regurgitates them - still aflame - in rapid succession.
I hand over two large black coffees and a pack of smokes.
"How's Monkeyboy doing, Liz?"
Monkeyboy is Liz's son (real name: Edward) - a resident at John Hopkins with his eyes on the Nobel Prize for neurology research. Monkeyboy was actually born with a human tail. When he got a little older, he became part of Flame and Liz's sideshow act. For $5 people actually got to touch Monkeyboy on the tail and make a wish...
"He's good, Ellie. Saving lives one amygdala at a time."
And down the pine slats they go to throw flaming knives at each other, the way soulmates sometimes do.
08 October 2011
“Somebody ripped it off last week.”
“Dag. You call the cops?”
Then we both laugh and now Ernesto’s got his Post and I’ve got my 75 cents.
“The Torpedo without its musica...damn, Ellie, what’s it all about anyway?”
And what can I say to that except what I always say?
“The world’s on fire, Ernie. I’m just an over the hill ham and egger watching it burn,” except sometimes I’ll say “pugilist” and stick a couple right jabs in the air, maybe a combo, and almost always hear that old bell ring. But my spine still feels like a jackhammer’s been waltzing up and down it, so I save those antics for another day.
Ernesto raises his cup and fades around the corner, off to grease up the Gravitron, into the dirty morning sea-fog, scar and all.
07 October 2011
This is Ernesto, a Dominican b-boy from around the corner. He’s got a ridge of scar tissue that runs from the bottom of his chin up to his left earlobe.
I used to coach Ernesto at the gym, and I'd drill him on how to work the bag from his shoulders out. But that ended when he took up with a half-Irish, half-Puerto Rican devil girl who didn’t want to see his face get all smashed up. Irony is that Ernesto got his scar when that selfsame angelfaced honey came after him with a box cutter a month ago. She had been hearing voices, he said.
“Hey, Ernie. How’s the midway treating you?”
“Shit, a jayo’s a jayo, Ellie.”
“You got that right, kid.” I call him “kid,” but Ernesto’s probably in his late thirties. Me, I’m into my late fifties. Anyway you look at it, it’s early morning on Coney Island and we’re both already late. Are you?
06 October 2011
So last's weeks robbery was still fairly lightweight in comparison to other shit and indignities I've survived. But it does stand out, as the first time anyone ever reached across and lifted anything right from under my nose, least of all my radio, the winged aorta of the Torpedo. But as the Lord said "If you spend enough hours on this boardwalk, you’ll see everything the human cirkus has to offer."
Right now, for example, I’m staring at a tiny little accordion-wielding chippie with an okay rack, body, and – get this – not just one, but two heads. One of them is withered and knocked out. There’s drool on the chin. Not pretty. But the other head is something else. The face betters a young Annette Funicello, terrific brown eyes, with waves of long black hair. Goddess Time.
“What’ll you have, Sweets?” Without a word, she just points to a spot somewhere on the row of cigarettes behind me. I track her finger.
She keeps nodding and holds up two fingers. The smaller, withered head stirs and winces a little, like it’s wrestling with a two-headed nightmare. I slide two packs of Newps across the counter.
She passes me a ten and smiles a 5-star smile. By the time her ten is in my till, she’s trailing impossible music and slapping one of the packs, the Stay-Fresh seal tumbling down the boardwalk towards West 12th Street.
05 October 2011
While I lift myself up & start to get my bearings, he turns and hauls ass back up the boardwalk. About a block away, he spins back around and hoists his little mitt in the air. I squint to find that he’s holding the AM/FM weather radio I’ve had in my trailer since time out of mind.
“Hey! That’s my radio!”
Laughing the laugh of the victor, he displays his other hand and slowly uncurls his middle finger like it’s Nosferatu coming out of mid-Atlantic hibernation, then vanishes around the corner.
And that was that. No more music at Cap'n Ellie’s.
04 October 2011
It might have been Shakespeare who said, "It is bad luck to fall on the job, but it is far worse luck to crack your head on a vintage Formica counter top as you fall."
This is what happened to me two weeks ago. I'm minding the Torpedo, listening to the WENL jazz show, when somewhere in the middle of King Pleasure's take on "Moody's Mood For Love" I start to swoon. The world went sideways before I could get my ass into a chair.
This has happened before, you see. Thanks to a dirty little punch to the head I took during a 3-round donnybrook thirty years ago, I’ve got a bum inner ear. From time to time, it shoots dice with my equilibrium.
A few minutes go by and I start to get up, but my back's screaming and I feel a goose egg forming on my right temple.
That's when he materializes out of thin air.
"You all right, mister?"
I look up and see a kid - maybe fourteen years old - holding a shoebox in his hands.
03 October 2011
Any poet worth his enjambments will tell you that there are a million ways to see an ocean. Ask Catullus, Ahkmatova. Ask Hart Crane, Virgina Woolf. They'll tell you that there are a million ways at the very least.
My name’s Ellie and I'm no one's poet, but I have spent twenty-three solid years staring at those briny depths. I've staked my view from neither lighthouse nor turret, but from a sardine can on wheels, a blue Airstream Torpedo, with a big-titted mermaid, and “Cap'n Ellie’s” stenciled right under the lip of the counter.
In all that time, I've kept her parked on the corner of The Bowery and Stillwell, one block up from Iron McNulty's Freak Show & Burlesque and right across from Danny, the paintball maniac – always on the megaphone and always barking SHOOT THE FREAK! outside the El Dorado Arcade all day long to nobody, everybody.
C’MON, SHOOT THE FREAK! SHOOT IT!
CHEAPER THAN A TRIP TO THE SHRINK!
If you’ve come down to ride the Wonder Wheel or Cyclone within the past quarter decade, odds are pretty good you’ve walked by my place. Maybe you even stopped and bought some peanuts or a Post... If it was ten years ago or more, maybe you even heard me bark, as I used to,
COME GET YOUR SMOKES, SNACKS AND PAPERS FROM CAP'N ELLIE!
AND WHO'S CAP'N ELLIE? CAP'N ELLIE'S YOUR FRIEND1