The Death Entry

We have two tin Catrinas in our living room. They are arresting works of folk art. And they remind us that one day we'll be worm food. Some days I do not want to be reminded of this at all. Other days I'm like, "Yep. So it goes." My attitude about death has no constancy, in other words. It's this dynamic, bristling thing that, in all likelihood, I have very little actual hope of understanding or coming to terms with before my time comes.

"Die before you die." Muhammad said that. Muhammad the political reformer, soldier, merchant and - oh yeah - prophet of the great Judeo-Christian Godhead. An all around badass, in other words. And his advice - to somehow experience death before the hour of death actually comes - is intriguing. I have no idea what he's talking about, though - could be asceticism, insight, "ego annihilation," or any number of things. Maybe all those things.

Full disclosure: I once "died" under the influence of psilocybin mushrooms. The experience was altogether horrifying - I stared into the Abyss, and what I saw was not pretty. It was basically just the goddamn awful howling void. It was Oblivion. With all my might, I hoped, and prayed, and submitted and clung to life. And eventually the porthole to Oblivion closed, and what was left was a kind of hyper-reality - everything illuminated and precious and brimming with life. "Jesus," I thought, "that was intense." It was more than "intense," though. It was edifying.The experience haunted me for years.

One of my friends, a heavy user, a real Hallucinogenic Toreador, told me, "You shouldn't have fought it. You should have just let the Abyss gobble you up. Eternity would have opened up." I figured "Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe those mushrooms showed me that, when the chips are down, I'm basically driven by fear, despite all my magnanimous gesticulations and humanistic postures." Then, years later, I came full circle with this realization: That trip was one big metaphor. Maybe submitting in prayer was just my honest, natural response - a response that saved me from actually disappearing into some kind of internal psychic Void. After all, when confronted with a power that can destroy you - whether it's a deity or state of nonexistence or a split atom - it seems wise to take a stance of humility. When I look back on it, I can see how both might just be true.