P.M.A.

I have a friend who swears by this: Supposedly, most of America is underhydrated (i.e. we don't get enough water). The formula for "enough water," my friend says, is to divide your weight in lbs. by 2. That, in ounces, is how much water you should be drinking per day in addition to whatever else it is you're drinking...Diet Coke, Jose Cuervo, whatever. The reason I bring it up is because if you try to get your quota out of the way first thing in the morning, you'll be amazed - and possibly frightened - by what gastric happenings are spurred by some pints of water. It's intense.

These two photos are of my daughter, who has learned to crawl at the age of only 6 months (which makes her a prodigy, really) and who is running me and her Ma ragged (in a good way), and of a pamphlet I received at the Department of Labor yesterday, respectively. These two photos also represent opposites. Eleanor is the poster-baby for life, electric energy and jazzified, complexifyin' authenticity, while the "Guide To Obtaining Your Next Job" is more of a tombstone stuck in a sandstorm, boxed in styrofoam, and lit with fluorescent lights. You know, opposites.

I got this pamphlet when I went to my first scheduled meeting at the DOL yesterday morning. They require these meetings if you're drawing unemployment, and basically it means that you have to go in and watch a Powerpoint presentation on something like "Dressing For The Job You Want" with a cadre of other down-and-outers, and then prove - by way of something primitive called a "green sheet" - that you really are trying to find work and not just, you know, living off the sweet cream of Uncle Sam's dime. It's ridiculous. But they do what they can there, I suppose. Mainly, it's an acronym party. Acronyms like SOAR and P.M.A.

I'll tell you right now that P.M.A. means Positive Mental Attitude - which is an idea whose significance to the down & out was stressed repeatedly yesterday. "You gotta stay positive, y'all. Being out of work is depressing." True. Well, sort of. It's true if you don't actually have a ton of other things going on in your life that you rank high above your "career," in terms of both joy and existential importance. I cite Exhibit A: Family and Exhibit B: Art. But I get it. Not everybody shares my view. Opinions vary. Plus, it's 'Holiday Time' - and being out of work is scary. We must remain optimistic in the midst of compromising conditions. POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE. Check.

Now, to adequately explain SOAR, I must tell you that the SOAR pamphlet pictured above is chock full of clip art. There's eagles flying all over the place, a "ladder of success" icon, and (my favorite) a big hand making a "thumbs up" gesture. Oh and the hand is shaded sort of light grey to suggest that the DOL is here for jobless bastards of all creeds and colors. Not just snowflakes. Okay, but you're probably ready to know what SOAR means, right? I mean, one day you might find yourself out of work and then you'll need to know that the key to competing for jobs in today's marketplace is:

(1) Setting your goals.
(2) Organizing your job search.
(3) Achieving your goals.
and
(4) Retaining your job & advancing your career.

There it is. How to get work. All splayed out like a Thanksgiving turkey. If I wasn't so happy being unemployed these days (what with my grad school applications keeping me busy and my home life being so bitchin'), I'd be like "Thanks for the retarded acronym, you penis factory. Any advice for getting from Step 2 to Step 3?!" Instead, though, I can appreciate SOAR-ing. And I think it's kinda funny that even at the Department of Labor they're basically like, "Look, man. What can I say? Times are hard. And I ain't gonna lie - You need the good love of Lady Luck to get a jayo. Sheeit, you were lucky to have a damn job to begin with. Roll the dice, bitch."

Don't believe me that they're all about fate and kismet at the DOL? The last page of this pamphlet shows our eagle friend, Mr. Ubiquitous, once again soaring high above a sea of white. Behind him are block letters in 25-point font that read "GOOD LUCK AS YOU SOAR TO CAREER SUCCESS!" Oh, except for the word "SOAR." That's actually in 60-point font. As it should be, I suppose. I mean, it's all about the acronym, baby. Unh.

Here's what I'll do. I'll trust that one of these days I'll be practicing real psychotherapy again. And I'll be writing. And making my living far outside the sectors and vectors of acronyms and banality. I'll be happy with my job and I won't have to serve any time in anything as hideous as an institution. I'll have all Chet Baker's albums on vinyl, then, too. (See what I just did there? I flexed my PMA. Word.)