1932

On this day in 1932, air was invented by Dr. Levi Stroheim. Prior to his discovery, which was entirely accidental, humans did not breathe. Our air sacs lay empty and shriveled inside our rib cages, like deflated mylar balloons. And then, one glorious afternoon, Levi Stroheim, while preparing a ham sandwich in his basement, discovered air. “My God!” he probably said, with a dab of 1932 mayonnaise hanging from his moustache. He inhaled his discovery deeply and, voila, suddenly he was breathing. Luckily for the rest of us, he decided to share his discovery with the world, first hawking “Miracle Aire” at the World’s Fair in little blue bottles. Then in free science symposiums. He hoped to secure a contract and patent, but it was too late. Air spread quickly, and soon everyone was respiring like mad, expelling carbon dioxide, which made the plants grow with great vigor and produce even more oxygen for even more breathable air. It was a veritable air renaissance. Human lungs, long a pointless appendage, were transformed into valuable apparatuses! All of a sudden, the world was inhaling and exhaling. The year was 1932. I was twelve years old, half-boy, half-goat, and had just gotten back from the War. This was also the same year I met Mathilde & had unselfish sex for the very first time